Waiting to Exhale


Yes, some days I feel so overwhelmed by work, mommy responsibilities, wife responsibilities, family responsibilities, friend responsibilities, and household responsibilities that I wonder if I'm remembering to breathe.  Juggling my new job with all my commitments at home has not been as easy as a transition as I thought.  There is definitely less time to accomplish errands during the week, so just like when I was working full-time before Little Lewie, I find that I have to use the weekends to clean the house, go grocery shopping, and get our laundry and clothes ready for the week. 

Even though we did something special for Valentine's Day, it feels like it's been forever since my husband and I went out on an actual date, and even though I am at home with Little Lewie on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and half day Fridays (including weekends), I feel like it's been forever since we sat down and planned a fun playtime activity.  Instead, poor Little Lewie is involved in a rambling cyclone of activity (anything from going to the mall, food shopping, cooking, TV, laundry, and spontaneous play, which has no exact rhyme of reason).  Since I am a person who thrives on schedules, it bugs me that I'm not able to find spare time during the week to schedule some fun and interesting playtime with Little Lewie and to plan out a schedule that he can get used to and anticipate.

Finally, my work time has definitely taken away time for me--my blog time, my girlfriend time, my long walks, and my exercise time.  Every night I find myself trying to pick up the computer only to slump back down on the couch in sheer exhaustion.  (The same thing happens in the mornings when I want to try and wake-up to do my exercise routine before Little Lewie awakes...)

Right now I feel like I'm on a race to nowhere.  I work, I do errands, I play with Little Lewie, I comfort my husband, I cook, I clean, I try to remember birthdays, holidays, and special occasions, and by the end of the week, it all feels as if if were one big blur with no exact start or end.  I ask myself, "What did I accomplish?" and in the silence the only answer I hear my inner voice tell me is "Life."  I accomplished life.  But what if I want to accomplish more than life?  What if I want to have gone on this amazing trip, or had this amazing play date set up for Little Lewie, or this amazing date with my husband?  What if I could live each day and feel as if I'm savoring every moment of just being instead of watching the seconds tick by with a checklist of stuff to do in my hand?

Okay, so now I keep telling myself..."breathe"..."breathe deeper."  All the great exercises...yoga, Pilate's, running...it all focuses on breath..controlled breath...planned breath...awareness of breath.  These days are slipping away from me, and I feel like I need to get them back.  I can't, but I guess I can start by reclaiming today.  Today I'm going to breathe....I mean really breathe....I'm not placing a checklist in my hand, and while I don't have a spectacular activity planned, I'll make today count.  Yes, today, I'm going to be aware and make the day count...

Thanks for listening to my ramblings...Do you ever have days, weeks, months, where you look back and think, what did I do?  What did I accomplish?  (The perfectionist, Type A personality in me is always asking this question and often not satisfied with the answer.  Today I'm going to ignore Ms. Perfectionist and capture memories, unplanned memories, with my two year old.)


  1. some days I just have to LET GO. Of everything before it all comes tumbling down...and I find that it won't. Even if Mommy stops and takes a breathe, it will be ok! I feel the same way sometimes, I think we all have those Mommy moments :) HANG IN THERE!!! You are doing great!

  2. Absolutely. I constantly find myself wondering "Where did the time go?" More than that I wonder what I'm going to do with my life and how to use these days for love and laughter and family and friends. More than anything I want to feel good about my life and how I've lived. Sorry..tangent. But I figure you should do just that..Breathe. Try to make the time to feel like you're really living instead of going through the motions. But you know, I look at your life and think "Wow, she's really got something fabulous going there."

  3. I have a post drafted called, 'what did you really do this week', so yes I understand. Things don't seem to be gelling for 2011 so far for so many, so I can relate.

  4. Your post described my life perfectly right now. I'm home full time and still don't have it all together. I find that I'm spending all my time running errands and shuttling Georgia to playdates and by the end of the work, I ask myself, "What have I done to enrich Georgia's life?" And I can't find anything. I need to take more time to slow down and just be with her, unplanned fun, you know?

  5. First off, you are doing an amazing job!! But I think we all feel that way sometimes. It's such a big job and we are juggling so many things that it never feels like there is enough time or enough of us to go around. As you said, just breath. Hang in there!!!

  6. I feel that way too (it seems I am ALWAYS too exhausted to get things done), and I am still at home. I think you are amazing for everything you accomplish. Maybe this is your reality RIGHT NOW, but I guarantee you it will change before you know it. In the meantime, maybe you could give yourself tiny goals that you can be sure to accomplish. Maybe work on one thing once a week...even if it's 15 minutes of yoga every Tuesday (and a date once a month), it would make you feel accomplished...just an idea....xox

  7. Honestly? The past two years have been like that for me! Since we moved into this house we've been in a limbo and I feel like I'm just crossing the every day things off my list. Scotty and I have never gotten into a great playdate routine since the move, and I definitely don't do as many fun activities. I have anxiety attacks if I go shopping on weekends, so we do all that during the week. It feels like I'm never caught up and we'll be stuck in this house (and city, yuck!) forever! We're still waiting for some good news and things to start going in our favor...maybe then I'll be able to feel like I've gotten something done?


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