Waiting to Exhale

Yes, some days I feel so overwhelmed by work, mommy responsibilities, wife responsibilities, family responsibilities, friend responsibilities, and household responsibilities that I wonder if I'm remembering to breathe.  Juggling my new job with all my commitments at home has not been as easy as a transition as I thought.  There is definitely less time to accomplish errands during the week, so just like when I was working full-time before Little Lewie, I find that I have to use the weekends to clean the house, go grocery shopping, and get our laundry and clothes ready for the week. 

Even though we did something special for Valentine's Day, it feels like it's been forever since my husband and I went out on an actual date, and even though I am at home with Little Lewie on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and half day Fridays (including weekends), I feel like it's been forever since we sat down and planned a fun playtime activity.  Instead, poor Little Lewie is involved in a rambling cyclone of activity (anything from going to the mall, food shopping, cooking, TV, laundry, and spontaneous play, which has no exact rhyme of reason).  Since I am a person who thrives on schedules, it bugs me that I'm not able to find spare time during the week to schedule some fun and interesting playtime with Little Lewie and to plan out a schedule that he can get used to and anticipate.

Finally, my work time has definitely taken away time for me--my blog time, my girlfriend time, my long walks, and my exercise time.  Every night I find myself trying to pick up the computer only to slump back down on the couch in sheer exhaustion.  (The same thing happens in the mornings when I want to try and wake-up to do my exercise routine before Little Lewie awakes...)

Right now I feel like I'm on a race to nowhere.  I work, I do errands, I play with Little Lewie, I comfort my husband, I cook, I clean, I try to remember birthdays, holidays, and special occasions, and by the end of the week, it all feels as if if were one big blur with no exact start or end.  I ask myself, "What did I accomplish?" and in the silence the only answer I hear my inner voice tell me is "Life."  I accomplished life.  But what if I want to accomplish more than life?  What if I want to have gone on this amazing trip, or had this amazing play date set up for Little Lewie, or this amazing date with my husband?  What if I could live each day and feel as if I'm savoring every moment of just being instead of watching the seconds tick by with a checklist of stuff to do in my hand?

Okay, so now I keep telling myself..."breathe"..."breathe deeper."  All the great exercises...yoga, Pilate's, running...it all focuses on breath..controlled breath...planned breath...awareness of breath.  These days are slipping away from me, and I feel like I need to get them back.  I can't, but I guess I can start by reclaiming today.  Today I'm going to breathe....I mean really breathe....I'm not placing a checklist in my hand, and while I don't have a spectacular activity planned, I'll make today count.  Yes, today, I'm going to be aware and make the day count...

Thanks for listening to my ramblings...Do you ever have days, weeks, months, where you look back and think, what did I do?  What did I accomplish?  (The perfectionist, Type A personality in me is always asking this question and often not satisfied with the answer.  Today I'm going to ignore Ms. Perfectionist and capture memories, unplanned memories, with my two year old.)