A "Back to the Future" Holiday and My Resolution for the New Year

Every year, we do a themed Christmas card. We started with Christmas jammy photos, then moved on to costumes. Over the years, we have been the Tooth Fairy, a Leprechaun, and a Christmas Elf; an alien, spaceship, and Earth; Bigfoot, a tree, and a forest ranger; and the circus Strong Man, Lion Tamer, and Ring Master. 

This year, in honor of the 1985 movie Back to the Future, we decided to dress up like Doc, Marty McFly, and Lorraine Baines McFly. (The movie celebrated its 40th anniversary!) Lew and I loved the movie when we were growing up, and Lewie enjoyed watching it a few years back at a unique drive-in movie theater in Utah. It's tough getting these two to agree on a theme, but this one was a homerun. No one objected!

On our card, we listed quotes like, "I'm from the future," "That's Calvin Klein. He's an absolute dream!" and "Great Scott!"  We had fun wishing everyone a holiday filled with laughter, cheer, and a little time travel. (Yes, sometimes I'd like to go back in time, too...)

On another note, each year I write a New Year's post about resolutions. Like our holiday cards, my New Year's resolution posts have transformed over the years — they have been about everything from exercising more, saving money, and spending more time with friends and family to being kinder and gentler with myself.

This year, I am making my resolution the title of one of my go-to self-help books: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Dr. Susan Jeffers. Last year, I was afraid of starting my Ed.D. program, and now I love it. I'm not saying I'm about to go skydiving or rock climbing, but I want to approach this year with a "can-do" attitude.  Before I tell myself "no" or procrastinate because I'm afraid of failing, I'm going to jump in, knowing that I'll always have a lifepreserver if I make a wrong decision...

I typically don't like leaving my comfort zone, but I find that some of my most amazing life experiences have happened when I took a chance--from studying abroad by myself in Spain, to planning National Park trips, to accepting high-level work positions, to paying for an in-ground swimming pool when I didn't have much money in savings... I don't regret any of these decisions. They have made life fuller and richer because of them.

I don't know what 2026 has in store for us, but with Lewie looking at colleges and Lew and I celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary, I know change and celebrations are on the horizon...

Happy 2026!

Hello 2025!

Hello 2025. It's nice to meet you. To be perfectly honest, I've been waiting for your arrival for quite some time. It's not that I was trying to wish 2024 away, but it's been a year.

Image from Pixabay.com

If I had one word to describe 2024, I think the answer would be EXHAUSTING. I can't say it was a terrible year, but it did have its challenges. Here is a recap of what I've learned, how I've grown, and why I'm so excited about 2025.

Our Health is Everything

This year gave us a few health scares. I started January with umbilical hernia surgery, which in hindsight wasn't that bad. The worst part was knowing that I wouldn't be able to take long walks or exercise for 6 weeks, so instead of beginning 2024 with my normal enthusiasm for getting in shape--I started it more with a shrug.

In April, we went on our long-awaited trip to Costa Rica and ended it battered and bruised. My husband, who has not one but two bad knees, couldn't walk by the end of our trip, so we had to use a wheelchair to help him get around the airport. My son took a header when he hit a pothole on a bike riding excursion, and I was bruised from our tubing adventure. When we came home to "recuperate" from our trip, less than four days later, my son was in the ER for pneumothorax (a spontaneous lung collapse). The doctors didn't think there was a connection between the trip and his lung collapse, but they didn't know the reason either. Two surgeries later, we left the hospital knowing just as little as when we entered. They tested him for a condition called Marfan syndrome, but thankfully, it was negative. The only advice that was given to us was no scuba diving or jumping out of airplanes. Also, they recommended Lewie not fly for a year either.

Lewie leaving the hospital after his surgeries.

In the summer, I had my own scare when an ultrasound found two cysts on my right breast. Everything ended up fine, but I could have done without the weeks of worry. Then Hubby was slated for a full knee replacement surgery in September. The surgery got pushed back to November when he came down with pneumonia. Then, his sister, at the young age of 57, passed away from a brain bleed--she had been battling Cancer and kidney disease. Her death happened two days before my husband's surgery in the same hospital! We thought about postponing it yet again but decided to push through... His surgery, especially the pain and the immobility, was rough, but two months later, he's already feeling a drastic improvement. He started back to work two days ago!

Worry Can Take a Toll

This year was all about worry. I started the year worrying about my hernia surgery and my position at the land trust. I worried throughout our entire trip to Costa Rica--the plane flight, the driving, and the mini-excursions that were more adventurous than I had originally thought. Then, after my son's lung collapse, I worried about the surgeries, his recovery, and getting him through his final weeks of school. (Can you believe the school made him take his finals?!) I worried about my breast scare and then worried about my husband's surgery. (He became addicted to opiates back in 2006, so the idea of him taking a low dose of opiates again to reduce the pain was downright paralyzing...)  Then, of course, there was worrying about wars and political unrest around the world, climate change, and our presidential election...

New Beginnings are Hard, but They Make Us More Resilient

In January, I was still a "new" employee at the land trust, having started only five months earlier in August 2023. While I had spent a good portion of my life wondering what it would be like to work in conservation, now I was actually doing it. I was learning how to run a small non-profit, how to work with a board, and how to cultivate donors. I was also learning about all the amazing organizations, both small and large, that work together to contribute to land conservation and stewardship. 

I started the year committed to my new career but then a series of events changed everything. First, our Development Director left.  Then, when Lewie was in the hospital, I couldn't take time off. Since I was the only person to "run the show," which included a number of events, I was stuck having to oversee them while my husband sat at Lewie's bedside.

I offered to take on more responsibility but then received a grim reminder that taking on more responsibility didn't equate to more pay. The directors around me, at bigger trusts, were making $20,000 to $30,000 more, but they also had years if not decades of experience. Was this truly my start to a new career or a dead end?

I started to realize how much I missed working in higher education, and so, with a lucky twist of fate, I was hired to work in recruitment strategy for our Connecticut community college system. It wasn't a huge bump in salary; if fact, the increase was modest at best, but making this move did three major things...1) It gave me a chance to go back to a familiar career that I love, 2) It helped me realize I am GOOD at higher education administration, and in fact, this is where I belong, and 3) It provided the confidence (with a little financial incentive) to go back to school for my Doctor of Education. Now, I am four months into a new position again, but I love it, and I love knowing that I have the opportunity to go back to being a dean, a VP, or maybe even more.

Opportunity is Available if We Look for It

This is my motto for this year--2025.  After I was laid off, I spent almost two years in self-reflection. Who am I? What's important to me? What am I good at? I spent an equal amount of time worrying about everything--from our finances and our health to Lewie's education and the future in general. Like I said before, it's been EXHAUSTING.

This year, my goal is to funnel this worry into action. Instead of worrying at the sidelines, I'm going to turn this negative energy into something positive. I'm not going to have any delusions. Going for an Ed.D. will be hard, and I don't want this to undercut important time with family and friends. It will require some extraordinary time management skills (which is not my forte), but as long as everyone in our immediate family has their health, there really is no excuse not to seek opportunity. I'm not getting any younger, and at the same time, I still have another 20-year work career left. There are no pensions for me, so I can either worry or look for opportunity.

This year I will turn 50, too. If I'm going to have a mid-life crisis, I might as well make it a productive one--LOL.

One of my favorite pictures from Costa Rica. If only I had stopped the
worry enough to fully embrace the beauty.

Wishing everyone a year of "a little more laughter, a little less worry, a little more kindness, and a little less hurry." May health, love, and happiness be yours.

Hello 2024: Can You Help Me Find My Way?

I LOVE New Year's Day--it's a fresh start to a 365-day cycle of new beginnings. I have the typical New Year's Resolutions--eat less, exercise more, save money, get organized, be kind, be my best self... These resolutions, or mini-goals, however, will progress and regress throughout the year. The hope is that I will have more "good days" of staying committed than bad.

I'm looking forward to 2024 for a different reason--

to find myself--or perhaps more, to find meaning. 

Source

Over the years, my dream board (yes, I have one) has become cluttered, so much so, that I don't even remember everything I posted. As I am writing this, I've decided to take everything down and start from scratch. There are pictures of what I'd like our house to look like if we ever have it remodeled. Those will go back up. Then there are picture quotes that came from a calendar I used to own; those are going back up, too. 

I also have pictures of National Parks. Interestingly, I have one of Bryce Canyon and another of Yosemite. Did I post them after I went or before? I don't remember, but I do know that I have had things on my dream board come true. Once I posted a picture of a Subaru Outback, and within the year, we ended up buying one. (That was before I even knew we were going to need a car!) 

I have some business cards posted--mostly to go along with remodeling the house. They've been up there for years--maybe even a decade. I might do a Google search to see if these companies are still in business and then put them somewhere else for safekeeping... I have salary requirements listed there, too. Amounts that are not super extravagant but would help us lead a more financially secure life.

As I look at my dream board, which, in all honesty, hasn't been tended to much over the years, the one picture that stands out says, "To find yourself, sometimes you need to be lost." I liked the picture at the time because it's of an "A-Frame" house--(I love them)--and it's in the woods--(my favorite place to be).

The picture gravitates to me now because that's me--I'm lost! After being laid off (after 21 years of service to a small liberal arts college), I spent the majority of last year looking for a job. At first, I was selective, but after having interview after interview with no job offer in-site, I started applying to any position that remotely utilized my skillset--even jobs where I would be totally unhappy (writing for a health insurance agency--YUCK!)

When I finally did score a position in conservation, I truly wanted it to be "my new second home," but as I started learning more about the position, I realized it's not "my forever" either. The people are nice, and I am in love with the mission (to protect Mother Nature), but the daily work itself (pay bills, take minutes, print expense reports, attend small festivals to hand out brochures) feels trite and uneventful. Yes, I did get to sign off on a fee donation of 26 acres to our little land trust (a beautiful piece of property with Hemlock forest and vernal pools), but it wasn't because I made it happen. It's because someone with a generous heart (and a desire for a tax deduction) decided to give it to us. 

When I worked in higher education, I touched people's lives, and thankfully I continue to teach. As a dean, my position mattered. I not only helped students graduate, but I also helped thousands more learn about our programs, enroll, and believe in themselves. I was part of important discussions about policy, equity, inclusion, curricula, mental health, career development, and student success. I miss that, and yet, there is a part of me that continues to say, "Stay in conservation--your heart is there, too."

I am lost. A huge part of me wants to go back to higher education, but then I fantasize about other opportunities. Do I want to get a real estate license? Do I want to get my Ph.D.? Do I want to do my own podcast? Do I want to work for a retreat center? Do I want to write a book? The truth is that I have many interests, such as writing, career development, student success, mental & spiritual health, conservation, and sustainability, to name a few. The big question is--where do I go from here?

Last year taught me that planning doesn't necessarily get us closer to our goals. If I could have made things happen for myself, I would have been working as a dean again at a nearby college. (I was interviewed for four such positions.) Instead, after dozens of interviews, I was hired by a land trust! I learned that I had to keep an open mind and an open heart, and more, I learned that I need to be patient.

Now I am lost in the woods with a compass, asking which way is "true North." Last year, since I had the time, I would take our dog, Bruce, on hikes with no set plans. We would try various trails and see where they would lead. Sometimes, they would lead to swampy marshes, and we would have to turn back, and other times, we found hidden gems (waterfalls, mirror lakes, and busy beaver ponds) where we would stand and marvel for hours. The woods started to feel like my sanctuary, and I repeated to myself the words of John Muir again and again...

"And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul."

Sometimes, during our hikes, I would rehearse answers to potential interview questions, and other times, I would go to contemplate--to find meaning or get clarity about this next stage in my life. In many ways, life was handing me a blank slate--to be anything I wanted, and still, fears about money, my age, and my abilities clouded the journey.

I wanted to believe all my meditation walking led me to "my forever," but now I see that it simply presented "a next step." With so much indecisiveness and ambiguity about what I want to do, I realize now I need to take a step back and enjoy the journey.

Last year, I was in panic mode. "I need a job," I'd tell myself again and again. This year, I can take out the panic and simply be. Of course, I am busy--I work full-time at the land trust, teach multiple courses, and give library talks about career readiness (all while being a mom, wife, daughter, dog mom, and friend). 

Still, I will make time for discovery. It's okay to be lost. 

I have uncluttered my dream board and will put up new hopes and dreams as they emerge. 

Happy 2023 - A New, 365 Day Journey in Love

I'm a day late writing about the New Year--for this, the critical voice of self-judgement is brimming in my head, but I won't release that negative thought.  Not today.  Not this year.  (I hope.)

Credit

I'm starting 2023 in a slightly awkward place.  My job was eliminated back in October, and I left feeling unappreciated for my 21 years of service.  Still, my heart jumps back and forth from aching to rejoicing. I knew for some time, I wasn't passionate about my work anymore.  I cared about many of the friends I made there, but the leadership was toxic--making callous decisions for their own self-preservation.

It was hard to leave, but I knew my exit would provide a new personal freedom--a freedom to start over again--a freedom to even recreate myself.  But, as I write this, my indecisive nature keeps me stifled.  "Who do I want to be?" I hear my subconscious voice ask my heart hundreds of times each day.  I read through lists of job openings, and I waffle. Do I want to work here?  What will the commute be like?  Will the pay be decent? Will I have a work-life balance?  Will the job feel rewarding?  Fear takes over until I remember that I've been craving a new beginning.  So, I am exactly where I need to be...

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2022 was an interesting year.  My sister-in-law was living with us for the first six months until she could find an affordable apartment.  My husband was taking her back and forth for chemo treatments while I was doing my best to help uplift her spirits and get her settled into a new place.  My son couldn't have friends over the house during this time, so we made up for it by taking the boys to the movies, snow tubing, rollerskating, and bowling.  Big Lew, Little Lewie, and I also had a chance to see Jim Gaffigan live at Foxwoods, which would be Lewie's first experience watching a standup comedian live. 

We all came down with COVID in May, which was quite a scare, but thanks to the vaccines and new medications on the market, we survived it without any complications. Still, I continue to have "brain fog" and wonder if it's from long COVID.

In June, we took a trip of a lifetime to see the Mighty Five National Parks in Utah.  I haven't begun to write about our full experience yet, but I have a folder on my desk with all the brochures, so I don't leave out any details. Highlights of the trip included hiking to the Delicate Arch, sleeping in a Tee-pee, learning how to "canyoneer," and winding our way around hoodoos and slot canyons.  It was the perfect distraction from my unfulfilling work life and my strange, public home life, where my sister-in-law was around 24/7 to see my every move.

In July, we helped my sister-in-law move out, and Lewie resumed his friend sleepovers.  They watched outside movies, swam at night, and ate breakfasts from Dunkin Donuts in the morning.  We also took them to Lake Compounce Amusement Park, Sand Jam Movie Night at Penfield Beach, and boat tubing on Lake Gardner.  It was an active summer, to say the least, which included tons of friend and family pool parties, too.

In September, the winds of change fell upon us.  My work colleagues and I learned that the college we worked for was "millions" of dollars in debt, and there would be layoffs, cancelled classes, and wage freezes.  Students would suffer the most because there would be less resources, activities, and classes to choose from all while their tuition increased.  I felt strangely uneasy and decided, rather than worry, to start reading the book I purchased this summer--Gabby Bernstein's The Universe Has Your Back.  (I had a chance to hear her speak at the Cornwall Library earlier this summer under a garden tent surrounded by lush greenery and cows--it was lovely!!)  Her words struck me, "To truly say yes to the love of the Universe means you have to look at your resistance and give up a thought system that you mistakenly identified as safety, security, and the foundation of your life."  In other words, I needed to release fear and control and say yes to love.  As I read further, it became abundantly clear that to say "yes" to a happy life, I needed to leave my job.  Then, one week before my October 3rd birthday, a mini-miracle happened.  The college did it for me.

I wish I could say I spent the last three months of my unemployment happily meditating and waiting for the perfect opportunity, but fear, as usual, reared its monstrous head from time to time.  In October, I had two promising job interviews for a college I liked, but when an internal candidate was selected over me, fear and self-doubt took over AGAIN.  Then I sent out more applications, resumes, and cover letters with no response.  This only heightened the worry.

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Today is the start of a new 365-day slate to begin again (364 days since I am writing on January 2nd).  I am still organizing my house, sending out job applications, and very deliberately reading through Gabby Bernstein's book, not wanting to rush the process of learning how to be "fully committed to love each day."  I believe in synchronicity and know I am purposefully being led down this path of self-discovery.  Now is my chance to break the cycle of fear and to embrace love, laughter, forgiveness, and understanding.  I know there is a plan, so for now, I am going to be patient, loving, and kind.  I am going to meditate, spend quality time with loved ones, and practice self-care.  I know fear isn't working for me, so I will LOVE with my thoughts, actions, and words this year...for my heart and head both know there really is a lot to LOVE and celebrate.

Words from one of my all-time favorite authors and role models. 
Credit 

Hello 2022. It's Nice to Meet You.

Hello 2022.  It's nice to meet you.  Since we've only had a day to get to know each other, let me fill you in on my life.  

My walk on New Year's Day, 2022.

2021 started out rather peaceful and quiet, but as restrictions from the pandemic lifted, I found myself simultaneously excited and distraught--excited because we could resume travel and Lewie could be with his friends in person once more but distraught because the pressures of work and returning "to normal" would mean that the security blanket would be lifted.  As expected, as our lives became busier in late July, our time for family or even "me time" disappeared.  

Evidently, my feelings of sadness and remorse for saying goodbye to a simpler life were not an anomaly.  Tons of people were feeling this same way, only they were showing it through road-rage, quitting their jobs (the great resignation), or seeking therapy.  "Mental-health" became the new buzzword inside schools, colleges, and even places of employment, but then the holidays came with the new Omicron Variant, and there was no time to think about "mental-health."  People either hunkered down once more, or they visited with friends and family anyway, only to hope this new variant would be less potent than the ones before.

Now I sit at home during the last day of Christmas vacation wondering, is it safe to go back to work again?  Is it safe for Lewie to return to school?  The positivity rate here in Connecticut hit 20%, not to mention that because we've all come out of our bubbles, we are seeing regular cases of the common cold and the flu again.  We've all been tested, relieved to know that our coughs, sore throats, headaches, and runny noses are nothing more than a cold--a cold we managed to avoid last year since we were able to work from home.

2021 had some bright spots.  In the winter, we went snow tubing several times and managed to squeeze in a wonderful snowmobiling trip to Vermont.  In the spring/summer, Lewie had full access to see his friends again, and he did everything imaginable, from going to the movies with them, to amusement parks, pool parties, sleepovers, and random get-togethers.  In July, we were also able to pull off a dream vacation to the Pacific Northwest, a goal of mine since I was a teenager.  For two amazing weeks, we explored Olympic National Park, Seattle, Portland, and Sunriver, OR.  (The trip was so extensive that I've only written about the first five days so far...)  I was also able to take my mom on some varied day trips, which although they were not far from home, did provide some special mother-daughter time that I  find myself needing, especially since she's had some health concerns.

2021, of course, has not been perfect.  Besides my own tumultuous relationship with the pandemic and getting used to returning to the "office," our family has had a number of unusual health concerns.  My mom started 2021 with a broken bone in her foot.  In March, she started undergoing tests to find out why she was having stomach pains all the time--tests that ruled out Cancer but were still inconclusive.  In May, the weekend after Mother's Day, she fell, breaking her right wrist, a vertebra in her back, and injuring her right shoulder.  (Her mobility hasn't been the same since, and she still struggles with pain.)

My husband started improving his health by signing up for Medi-Weightloss.  At his peak, he lost over 40 lbs and was converting lots of fat into muscle, particularly because he had developed his own exercise routine--practicing breakdancing moves such as popping and locking.  (One day I'm going to post his talent on my blog.)  During our two-week trip, he struggled to find comfortable places to sleep and so his back pain returned with a vengeance.  In November, the stress of worrying about his ill sister sent him over the edge.  What started out as high blood pressure and neck pain soon moved to radiating pain down his left arm, hand, and then chest.  For weeks, we were worried he was going to have a heart attack until tests proved his heart is in good condition.  Now, the focus into the new year is getting an MRI on his neck, which is more than likely the origin of his pain.

His sister, who is living with us at the moment, will be undergoing treatments for Breast Cancer.  In her lifetime, she has had too many ailments to count, and my mother-in-law (deceased in 2020) was more or less her caretaker for a good portion of her life.  Unfortunately, none of us here have the lifestyle nor physical well-being/energy to take care of her (especially at this moment), and so we are hoping a convalescent home or assisted living facility will take her in, particularly while she is undergoing treatment.  It's a tough hill to climb because although my sister-in-law is disabled, she is only 54. (Most facilities will not even consider her unless she is 55+, and even then, they want money--lots of it.)  

So, 2022, it's nice to meet you.  I've actually been waiting for your arrival for quite some time.  You see, last year has been tough, and we still have so many unanswered questions.  Will we find a place for my sister-in-law?  Will we find the origin of my husband's pain and help him get back on the road to recovery?  Will my own heavy heart be healed?  You see, through all of this, I've been struggling with my own mental-health.  (Yes, here's that word again.)  

I'm grateful for so much in my life and yet, I find myself craving one that will help me feel passionate, whole, and alive again.  I made one move in the right direction; I bought an electric car again.  (I haven't had one since 2016.)  During the quiet times of solitude during the pandemic, I found myself consumed in reading articles about the environment and wanting to do more to preserve and protect our national and international treasures.  A warmer planet has brought so much destruction to the lives of so many, and in some cases, even famine.  It's hard to pretend climate change doesn't exist when taking a National Park trip--evidence, such as the charred trees from forest fires, the disappearing glaciers in the mountains, or the hazy skiies beyond the canyons, is everywhere.  Yellowstone just sent out their annual newsletter, where they talk about shorter winters, less snow, and the impact it's having on their ecosystem, including the bears, wolves, and wildlife in general.

We "talk" about creating a sustainable future, which includes higher seawalls and stronger structures to withstand storms, but what about the things we can do now to halt or even reverse the effects of climate change?  2022, I hope you will help bring me answers.  If my passion is for the environment, am I meant to just spend my years visiting National Parks, or am I meant to do more?  If I'm meant to do more, what do I do?  What am I qualified to do?  How can I make a difference?  And, if I can make a difference, can I do it by being happy and positive instead of depressed and a "Debbie Downer"?

I usually spend my New Year's blog posts making a list of resolutions--eat less, exercise more; spend less, save more; worry less, laugh more, etc. etc.  This year my resolution is to find me.  To make time to find me.  I feel a calling to do something different, and yet, I don't know what it is...  Of course, my family will always come first--their happiness, especially the happiness of Little Lewie, gives me happiness.  But this year, I hope to take a step (or maybe a few steps) closer to my purpose.   

I have faith that I will find the way... Even this photo from yesterday, 1/1/22, shows a foggy path with a clear arrow pointing ahead.  I will follow that arrow with faith, hope, trust, and love.

Here's to a "GREEN" New Year.  My actions may be small, but they fill my heart with peace.

Goodbye 2020. Hello 2021!

Goodbye 2020.  HELLO 2021.  This is how I'm feeling as I'm ready to begin a New Year--a year of health, tranquility, and peace of mind.

2020 was a year of anxiety, grief, and sadness.  We lost both my mother-in-law (Ninny) and my great aunt (Aunty Kiki) to Cancer, which led to many days of tears and regret.  Regret as in why didn't we invite Ninny to more pool parties, or why didn't we ask Aunty Kiki to come on vacations, like Woodloch, with us?  Still, when I give myself the opportunity to take a step back and examine the "why," I realize it wasn't a "one-way" street.  Sometimes I did extend invitations, but it was my relatives that lacked the time...

Anxiety came in many forms this year, too. First and foremost, I was worried about contracting COVID and bringing it back to my mom (something that still worries me); I was also worried for other compromised friends and family members.  My sister-in-law actually had it and was hospitalized.  At that point, the disease became very, very real.  One night in August I lied awake in bed having a panic attack because I thought I had actually caught it and gave it to my mom; we were both feeling cold and flu-like symptoms during the summer!

Fear took hold in other ways, too.  Was Lewie going to struggle with distance learning?  Was his fifth and sixth grade education going to be compromised?  Was he going to feel isolated and alone because he wasn't allowed to have friends visit or sleep-over the house?  

Also, what about job security?  Would we see a cut in our salaries or be asked to take a furlough?  Would my mom be forced to file for unemployment and then have to retire early?  Would her friends at work miss her?  Would she feel just as isolated and alone as Little Lewie?

Then, of course, there was discord on the national front.  Devastating fires and hurricanes, police brutality caught on camera, riots, hate groups, militias, political divisiveness etc.  I could continue, but why?  

Unfortunately, 2021 will have some of 2020's baggage.  There will be more deaths to COVID, more political unrest, more unemployment, more bankrupt businesses, etc.  Our hope and faith will be tested, for sure, but there's a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

Perhaps the most profound moment of 2020 is when I participated in a neuroscience webinar about emotional adaptability.  I'm not a psychologist, so this was a beginners' version.  It taught me a lot about the brain and how we think; our brains are actually wired to have negative thoughts (as a means of survival).  Eighty percent of all our daily thoughts are negative and 95% of those negative thoughts are the same ones we had the day before.  

Surely, we can't change our brain chemistry, but knowing this is all the more reason for us to pay attention to "mindfulness"--"a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment," including "one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations."  Being aware of our negative thought patterns is half the battle--the second part is to try and change the narrative.

This year, my one resolution involves changing the narrative.  I spent so much time worrying in 2020 that it negated the good times, such as adopting our puppy, Bruce; watching Lewie excel at distance learning and be named the first "virtual" Student of the Month; enjoying family dinners and game nights; and having more time to walk, reflect, and be in the moment (instead of making the mad dash to and from work each day).

Mindfulness is not going to change the fact that my brain, like everyone else's, will still continue to produce 80% negative thoughts, but those thoughts can be stopped and redirected to be happier ones.  This year, I will redirect my fear and worry and redirect all the negative self-talk that tells me I'm 1) too tired to do anything, 2) too unorganized, 3) too old, or 4) too boring.  I'll also try to stop the phrase that repeats itself in my head over and over again, "There's not enough time."  

What if this year, I started saying, "There's plenty of time" or "I will find the time?"  What if I used the words energized, organized, young, and fun in my vocabulary to counter the other words?  It won't be easy as our brains like to hold onto predictable patterns, but my mantra this year is Energy, Organized, and Fun.  If I believe it, then it becomes truth, right?

Above all else, I will remind myself to let go of fear.  Fear is part of our brain chemistry (found in all animals) that is used to keep us safe, but when left unchecked, it festers.  It turns to worry, stress, anger, and even hate.  It prevents us from living in the moment, from seeking adventure, or even from bettering ourselves.  This year, I will turn the life lessons of fear, anxiety, and regret in 2020 to start a new beginning and a new narrative.

New Year's Resolutions 2020: A Life of Purpose

Happy 2020!  This year feels especially important because it's not only the start of a New Year but a new decade.  At this point, I've lived through four of them!  Each year, I write New Year's goals, and each year, before I write "new" ones, I consult my New Year's resolution post from the previous year.

My goal for 2019 was short and sweet--to be more organized and to remind myself to live in the "now," which is to say to remember to savor a moment or several moments each day.  I have to say that I was doing well with schedules, too.  January, February, and March (from what I remember) were a dream.  I scheduled romantic dates, friend dates, and play dates along with my work responsibilities, and suddenly, my life felt like it had direction--it had focus!

Then on one fateful day in March 2019, my simple resolution came crashing down.  I was given a promotion!  It was a "temporary" one, maybe three or four months at best, but I didn't know whether I should be overjoyed by the offer or worried about its responsibility and commitment.  I decided to welcome it with open arms.  It was a chance for me to shine--to prove that I could be extraordinarily good at my job and that I could be a quick study.  I would have new people reporting to me, and I would need to learn how their departments operated.  I would also have a "voice" on the Cabinet of the College.  I could be "in the know," and maybe I could even have influence on important decisions.

The first few months were a blur.  My schedule from previous years was altered, and suddenly I found myself with more night and weekend commitments.  There were more meetings, more people seeking my advice, and more people relying on me to get certain approvals for their departments.  The Utopian version of being my best self at work was a fantasy.  I was getting things done but barely.  Many responsibilities were written on a "to do" list at work that only seemed to get longer and longer with each passing week.  People who reported to me were sympathetic that I was taking on two positions, but they did not necessarily see me as the helpful supervisor they hoped for or once envisioned.

Then the three-to-four month responsibility turned into five, six, seven, eight, nine and ten months.  (I still have it, but there looks like an end in sight--maybe even this month, in January!)  Not only did I feel inadequate at work but inadequate at home, too.  I found myself having less time for my family and friends, less time for walking, less time for blogging, and less time for daydreaming.  The extra money made it possible to plan a surprise trip to Disney, but after the trip, it was back to the same "rat-race"with the perception that I had it altogether when in reality, I felt like nothing was together.

This year, I'm going back to my original plan of scheduling fun time, getting organized, and finding something to appreciate about each day.   Being offered a promotion at work was amazing (I cherish all the friendships I've made and things I've learned along the way), but I'm ready to have my old life back.   The extra money and perceived prestige seemed important at the time, but they can't replace family, friends, love, laughter, good health, tranquility, peace of mind, and me-time.  Most importantly, I can't and won't let it replace this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch Little Lewie grow up.  I still have a whole other decade (the 2020's) to be an influence in his life, and I want us, our family, to have fun.  Life is just too precious and just too short.

This year, this decade even, I want to laugh, celebrate, have fun, be kind, and be grateful.  I'll continue to make short-term and long-term goals, but as long as I approach each day with one or all of these sentiments, I can be me, I can feel whole, and I can feel like I'm truly living.  I don't want to live my life like I'm racing against the clock anymore.  Instead, I want to embrace it.  This year, these are the two quotes that will change everything:

This year, that most important thing is listening to my heart and the Divine--then, time will surrender to love, peace, and purpose (and not the other way around).  Happy New Year and Happy New Decade!

I am a Household Management Project Leader

I've been blogging awhile.  Recent topics include vacations, family outings, Cub Scouts, holidays, and of course, my son and his antics.  Like so many people I know, I post about real life but with a utopian, slightly more idealistic, twist.

"Keeping up with the Joneses" is an expression I grew up with; it meant trying to keep up with the appearances, which is to say the money, prestige, house, yard, and life, of our neighbor/s.  Now-a-days "the Joneses" are not necessarily our neighbors.  They are the people we find on social media, too.  I am no longer just comparing myself to the woman down the street, I'm also comparing myself to the mother in Texas that's amazing at home decor, the woman in North Dakota that's a fabulous chef, or even some of my long lost friends and acquaintances on Facebook that seem to have the perfect family life; their kids are Olympic gymnasts, astrophysicists, and social entrepreneurs at the age of twelve.

The constant comparing has become draining and so has keeping up with my illusory posts.  The reality is that we do go on some amazing trips, and we do try to bring a taste of adventure into our otherwise ordinary, mundane lives.  But, my life isn't perfect.  To try and find adventure means to let other things go by the wayside.  My house is cluttered, my cooking is nill--relying on take out or pre-packaged meals, and on most days, when I have to wake up at five in the morning to plan and get ready for the day, I find myself on the couch by 8 p.m. in a vegetative state, which can only be compared to a coma, unless I'm full out sleeping (even when my son may not have had supper yet).

This is what my upstairs railing looks like on most days of the week...

My home office...just keepin' it real.

I recently ran into an article called "How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation" by Anne Helen Peterson.  Now, to be clear, I am not a Millenial.  At age 43, I am a "Generation Xer," but I'm only about five years older that the first of the Millennials.  The article resonated with me because I am, essentially, "burned-out."  I could go into all the details and all the "ah ha" moments Peterson provides because there are many of them, but I would be doing a disservice to the article itself, because it is, in my mind, a masterpiece, which fully illustrates how and why our lives, at this moment in time, have become so inexplicably complicated.  It's absolutely worth a read--a "task" to place on top of everyone's "to-do list."

As I read the article, two points stuck with me the most.  First, Peterson coins a term that has now become part of my everyday vocabulary called "errand paralysis."  She describes it as the inability to accomplish certain items on her to-do list because they "are seemingly high-effort, low reward tasks" that "paralyzed" her.  The items would keep on "rolling over [from] one week to the next" causing ultimately a feeling of anxiety and shame.  A light bulb went off.  (In fact, I shared this part of the article with a few of my coworkers, and they nodded in agreement, too.)  A big mental drain in my life stems from the feeling of unaccomplishment--a feeling of never being able to mark off all the items on my to-do list.  The same "less important" items keep being pushed off, and they collect and fester.  Instead of rewarding myself for what I did accomplish that week, month, year, I instead, zone in on what I didn't do, feeling ineffective and defeated.

Later in the article, Anne Helen Peterson, speaks about a cartoon called "You Should've Asked," created by a French, feminist comic known as Emma.  In the cartoon, Emma refers to mothers as "household management project leaders," and she goes on to show how labor burnout is just as much from being a homemaker as it is from working a full-time job.  (If you're managing both, then you have twice "the mental load.")  Peterson so eloquently and so profoundly describes the role of household management project leader as this:

They're ultimately responsible for the health of the family, the upkeep of the home and their own bodies, maintaining a sex life, cultivating an emotional bond with their children, overseeing aging  parents' care, making sure bills are paid and neighbors are greeted and someone's home for a service call and holiday cards get in the mail and vacations are planned six months in advance and airline miles aren't expiring and the dog's getting exercised (Peterson, 2019, para. 56) 

After I read this, I ended my personal shaming.  You see, it's difficult for me to admit to the fact that my house is a mess most of the time; it's difficult for me to admit that I don't cook/prepare meals; it's difficult for me to admit that on many days during the workweek, I come home in an unconscious state, simply unable to make conversation or process things on my to-do list, like help Lewie with homework, go through mail, or even work on getting prepared for the next day.  Sometime I nap first and get started on it around 8 or 9 p.m.  Other times, I promise myself I'll wake up early in the morning to try and get it all done.  Little Lewie has learned the routine by now:  Mommy is energetic, fun, and emotionally available in the mornings.  At night, well, you take what you can get.

 I'd like to change all this.  For years, I've told myself that this will change someday.  But, the reality is this:  As long as I work full-time and come home at 6, 7, or 8 p.m. at night, I will be tired and pretty much unavailable.   I've thought about changing careers, and once upon a time, I did stay home with Little Lewie,  Once upon a time, I also worked part-time instead of full-time.  The outcome, however, was almost the same.  It wasn't just the job work but what Emma calls "the mental load" that makes me exhausted.  Unless I chose not to be a Household Management Project Manager, I was still going to have this endless to-do list.  Maybe with more time available, more items would get checked off the list, but then again, maybe I'd still be adding on more items now to compensate for the money I wasn't bringing home.  After all, money is what allows us to plan our great trips, to sign up Lewie for computer camp and outdoor adventures, and to, quite honestly, pay our bills without constant worry and anxiety--the reason why I went back to work full-time in the first place. For me, working full-time at a college also means that when Lewie turns 18, he should be able to attend tuition free. So, if some of my burnout didn't come from work, then, surely, it would come from worrying about how we would get ahead of the bills, the student loans, and the credit card debt.  Either way, "the mental load" would remain.

"How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation" ended up being a savior to my self-esteem.  It made me realize that no matter how glamorous people's lives appear to be in blogs, Facebook, Instagram, and the like, it's really "make-believe."  None of us are perfect 100% of the time, and most of us suffer from some type of "errand paralysis."  We all have items on our to-do list that don't get checked off.  The real answer is to not let those items get in the way of living life.  At least for me, it's to not base my self-worth off of completing my next task.

The non-stop items will always be there (unless I choose to live off the grid in some remote place undisturbed by society).  So, the only thing that can change is my attitude.  Do I blame myself every time I don't accomplish a task, or do I reward myself every time I do complete one?  Do I go into resentment mode when I wake up to a messy house, or do I remind myself that the house is messy because we just had an eventful family weekend that took priority over our weekend errands.  In the end, it's okay.  Things will get done, and no one will ever remember what I accomplished.  What they'll remember is the time I spent with them.  Now, where's that to-do list?  Errand 1: Stop Beating Myself Up.

New Year's Resolutions 2019

New Year's Day is my FAVORITE holiday.  For me, there's something therapeutic about starting a brand new year.  Just like I welcome each morning as a blank slate, I welcome January 1st as the ultimate blank slate--a time to release past pain and regrets and to begin a  new adventure.  It's a time for reflection.  What did I learn in 2018?  Can I take any of this wisdom and apply it to the New Year?

I actually learned a lot in 2018.  My resolution was to make more "me time," and I was successful in some areas and unsuccessful in others.  

I did ensure we continued our National Park tradition as we spent an amazing week in Yosemite National Park and its surroundings.  I also checked off another item on my bucket list.  In September, hubby and I had a chance to go on an actual spiritual retreat at the Omega Institute.  It was a dream come true--one I harbored for six years when I first learned about the place.  Both trips gave me an opportunity to feel my essence as I found pure, unadulterated joy in communing with nature and listening to my true consciousness.  

Around the same time of the retreat, a family doctor recommended the audio book, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  Our doctor told us the book would be transformational, and indeed, it has become my "go to" book whenever I need to reconnect with the present.  As someone that prides myself on my "to-do" list, I now realize I spend most of my life living in the future with the tunnel vision of checking off goals.  The book awakened me to see how the present is really the only time we have and how our thoughts often lead us down paths that take us away from our inner light.  Whenever I find myself feeling stressed, self-pity, anger, resentment, or jealousy, I turn on Eckhart Tolle's audio book to regroup.  

Another success this year was making more time with friends.  (The time was still not enough, but I've come to learn that sometimes it's more about quality than quantity.)  Hubby, Little Lewie, and I finally drove down to New Jersey to visit my best friend and see her "new home" that was purchased three years ago.  It was fun to experience a day in the life of my best friend, getting to know her children, her community, and her activities and travels.  We reminisced about our old college days and then laughed about the hustle and bustle of our current lives with kids.  Then in November, another best friend and I made last minute plans to go to a holistic health expo in Massachusetts.  We ditched the husbands and kids, and actually made a whole day for ourselves to sample healthful products like protein powders, teas, shakes, lotions, and tinctures.  We even had a mini acupuncture and cupping therapy session.  That day, we learned more about each other than we had during our many years of friendship.  I discovered the best recipe for wellness wasn't found in any of those products; it was found in the laughing and enjoyment of sharing time with a true friend.

Yes, how do I take the wisdom from this year and bring it to 2019?  Well, I've learned that sometimes momentous events happen because we plan for them, and other times they happen spontaneously on their own.  With a very full life, I find that the planning, however, usually works better than the spontaneity.  This year, when I didn't specifically schedule in "fun" time with hubby, Lewie, my mom, or myself, I found that weeks and even months would go by as if I was reliving the same day over and over again.  Wake up, get ready for work, get Lewie ready for school, drive to work, go to my meetings, come home, have dinner, go to bed, repeat.

This year, my one resolution is to get more organized.  That means first to clear away the extra clutter, which I know for certain drags me down.  I can feel the "stuff" zapping my energy as I enter certain rooms of the house.  The second is to organize my months and weeks better.  On a grand scale, I will write in activities, vacations, trips, etc. for the year, focusing on three month intervals at a time, but then each week, I'll zone in on the particulars.  When will I find time for exercise, reading, walking, spending time with hubby, Little Lewie, or my mom?  Weeks go by when I just "do" but don't accomplish any of these.  This year, I'm looking at each of these 52 weeks as they begin, and I'm writing in each activity, making sure I am allowing enough time for each of them.  With practice, my goal is to live with more intention and meaning. 

I do know the pitfalls--schedules can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment.  After all, life is not always kind to schedules.  All it takes is a family illness, accident, storm, or other disruptive event to erase even the best of plans.  Still, I don't think this is a reason not to have them.  The other pitfall is living by a "to-do" list--the very "to-do" list that keeps me thinking about the future and not focusing on the present.  For that, I say, I'm going to allow myself to think future when it comes to planning, but once my day begins (with a framework in mind), my goal is to live as consciously as possible--making each activity, whether it be walking, doing homework with Lewie, or spending time with my husband, focused and intentional.    

Today is actually "the first blank page of a 365 page book."  As with every new year, I am determined to write "a good one."  All the New Years resolutions in the world can't predict the future, but as long as I have some free will throughout the journey, I'm going to do my best to make it a meaningful year--not perfect--but meaningful.

New Year's Resolutions 2018

Happy 2018!  This year, I still want all the same things I pined for in 2017-- a healthier lifestyle, quality time with my son, more date nights, increased time with friends, and a larger bank account.  Still, this year, I want to focus on something more...

For once, my New Year's Resolution is to be me.  I think every spouse, parent, sibling, and employee can identify with me when I say that I've spent the last decade pleasing people.  (I think moms can especially relate.) I spend my valuable time at work, and when I'm not working, I'm helping my son with his homework, driving him to after-school activities, planning den and pack meetings for Cub Scouts, scheduling play dates, playing doctor, filing paperwork, planning budgets, grocery shopping, doing laundry, and keeping the house tidy.  (I'm sure I can add other burdensome chores to this list.)

The point I'm trying to make is that when there is always so much to do, I put me, the authentic me, on the back burner.  I forget who I am or what makes me happy.  This year, I'm coming back out, and my family needs to either learn to love some of the activities I enjoy or else let me have free time to enjoy them without making me feel guilty.  Of course, they really don't make me feel guilty--I'm the one that makes myself feel guilty.  So, my first resolution is to stop the guilt and let go...

What do I want to do in 2018?

1.  Bike, hike, walk, and be out in nature.  (My family can do this with me, and I'm going to request an outing at least once per week; during colder temps, it may need to be twice per month.)

2.  Read - I honestly can't remember a time I finished reading an entire book.  I'm going to dedicate at least 15 minutes per day to allow myself to read a favorite article, and on my car rides to and from work, I'll be listening to audio books.  During the summer, I'll try to squeeze in some reading days also...  Even better, I'll schedule in some family reading time.

3.  Blog - I need to get back into the groove of posting once per week and responding to my friends weekly, too.  Sharing our life and reading about others is just good for the soul.  I love my bloggy friends.

4.  Coffee Dates with Friends - I need to schedule at least one day per month to spend time w/ a friend--in-person.  Each month when I put together a calendar, I will schedule a "date" with a friend--even if it's just for an hour or two.  (I also want to plan a trip to visit my best friend, Mary Ann, in NJ.  She moved to her new home three years ago, and I still haven't had a chance to see it.)

5.  Date Night - Ideally, I would like for my husband and I to go on two date nights per month, but at this time, I'll even settle for one.  This is true time to connect by either spending time outdoors or going for dinner and a movie.  I'll begin by setting a date on the calendar each month.

6.  House Tours, Garden Tours, Historical Museums - These are all things I LOVE to do in my spare time.  I need to start scheduling days to do this with family, friends, or by myself.

7.  Time to Daydream - I need to set aside time each day/week to daydream.  What do I want to do this year?  Next?  In five-years?  I usually do this during my afternoon walks, which I hope to resume at work.  For a while, I was working through lunch to get things done.  I need to stop this trend and give myself back this hour of "me-time."

I love peace, nature, and beauty.  I love reading, writing, and learning.  I love instilling confidence in students, friends, family, and loved-ones.  I love green drinks at New Morning, plays in the park, movies at the beach, bike rides on the board walk, hikes in the forest, board games in the evening, star gazing at night, s'mores from a campfire, hot chocolate after sledding, and ice-cream at Rich's farm.

When it comes down to it, I just need to take time to "smell the roses."  I need to let go, savor the moment, be present, and forget about my "to-do" list.  If I can accomplish this in 2018, it WILL be a beautiful year...

Happy 2017!

I have to admit that New Year's Day, particularly New Year's Eve, is my favorite holiday.  There is something healing about knowing we can "begin again."  Sure, each year has its own rewards and challenges--expected and unexpected--but on December 31st we can review the old year, take what we've learned, scrap the mistakes, and use our new wisdom for the upcoming year.  It's a beautiful thing!  And since I am one of those people, in general, that enjoys pondering life and planning for the future, today, then, just gives me one more excuse to do it!

Do I have a list of resolutions?  You bet I do...  Each year I try to fool myself into thinking I'm a little bit wiser.  Last year I wrote down philosophies to live by; the year prior, I chose the mantra, "Live, Laugh, Love."  This year...I'm back to listing resolutions again...  The only difference is that this year, I will be following the S.M.A.R.T. method for goal setting--specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-limited.   My vision board is rocking new pictures on it too.

1.  Consume less sugar and eat more fruits and vegetables.  (I recently learned that 4 grams of sugar is equivalent to one teaspoon or sugar; women are advised to have no more than 6 teaspoons of sugar per day.  My current diet actually triples this recommended serving.)  This year, I will be substituting more raw foods like nuts, fruits, and vegetables to replace the processed snacks that I bring with me to work everyday.

2.  Drink 8 oz. of water daily.  This is a challenge for me; I get so involved at work and home that I forget to drink anything--especially water.  I might have to find an app on my cell phone to send me constant reminders throughout the day.

3.  Take walks everyday during lunch and do exercise videos three times per week.  This will be a weekly goal.  If I miss a few days, I'll simply hit the restart button each Monday. 

4.  Learn how to "turn-off" work to be more available and present for my son.   Each day, my goal is to arrive to work earlier, so I can be home earlier to help Lewie with homework and to spend quality time with him (such as walking, playing board games, building LEGO sets, etc.)  Some days I'm required to come home late from work, but I will work around those days as much as possible.

5.  Plan two date-nights (or more) with hubby monthly.  The goal is to go out on a date every other weekend to make sure we continue to nurture our bond.

6.  Visit one of our National Parks (national treasures) each year.   This year, in June, the plan will be to visit the Grand Canyon; I want these trips to be both educational and memorable for Little Lewie.

7.  Create a stronger savings portfolio for retirement.  Like most people I know, I don't allocate enough of my salary to retirement or savings.  I will create a budget this January and automate a process to have a portion of my money go directly into savings.  By February, I "should" have a diversified portfolio...

8.  Be a good person.  This is one of those generic goals that don't have much meaning unless I create some tangible ways to measure it.  Hmmm...  I hope to celebrate friends and family more by remembering birthdays and sending them special notes throughout the year (especially during Random Acts of Kindness Week).  I hope to create special surprises for my mom, Lew, and Little Lewie as a way to show how much I love and cherish them.  And for people I don't know or know less, my goal is to be more empathetic, thoughtful, patient, and giving.  I developed the mindset of seeing each person as a child, and you know what?  It works.  There is something cathartic in forgiving, sending blessings, and letting go. 

9.  Be grateful.  Last year I've made it my practice to silently thank God for all my blessings whenever I have a chance (during my drive to work, in the shower, on a walk).  I've recently taught Little Lewie this practice, too, and so each night at bedtime after our prayers, we say at least one thing we are grateful for--it could be something more common and fundamental like food, or it could be something very specific that happened that day.  Sometimes his comments bring me to tears--"Today I'm thankful for spending time with my mom."  Awww....

10.  Smell the roses.  Work is a double-edged sword.  On the one hand, it is my gateway to financial freedom.  It allows me to save up for trips and experiences; it allows me to do things like put a pool in our backyard.  Still, at times I feel married to it.  I worry about taking days off from work, not checking emails, and  not giving my 100%.  When I do this, my family comes second, and I come third.  This year I'm taking more full days and half days off.  I am limiting my email time at home, and I am delegating more responsibilities to others.  We only have one life, and I intend on enjoying it--all of it.  I want my son to learn how to enjoy it too.  Yes, there is a time when work and homework are important, but there are other times when going for a walk, eating at Friendly's, and visiting friends is just as important.  I will be "scheduling" down time in the beginning with the hope that by the end of the year, it won't have to be scheduled; fun will be something that comes fluidly and spontaneously...

As always, I wish everyone a very happy, healthy, and prosperous 2017.  Last year had it's challenges for sure, but in the end, our family came out more united for it.  I learned that hope and faith aren't just words--they are a way of being.  These are the life lessons I plan to take with me during this New Year.  As for this year's resolutions, well, they're fun to make.  We'll see if these habits of mind stick, or if they end up becoming resolutions again for next year...  After all, life will always be a work in progress. 

New Year's Resolutions 2016!

Every year I enjoy posting my New Year's Resolutions, and let me just say that I've learned from them.  In the beginning, I would post a list of all my goals--some easier to reach than others.  Now, five years later, my list has shrunk--most likely because I've realized that if I make too many goals, I set myself up for failure.  I've also learned that being a perfectionist comes with a price--a price to my health...

(Courtesy of Photogiz.com)

So, this year, I'm going to change things up.  I'm going to write about some of the insights I've learned in 2015, which I plan to use in 2016.  They're not necessarily goals, but some new doctrines that I plan to live by...

1.  Life is unbalanced and that's okay.
For the last seven years (since I've had Lewie), I've always felt that my life should be balanced.  I somehow needed to work out a plan where I divided my time in a day, week, or month to have time for Lewie, time for my husband, time for the house, time for exercise, time for cooking, time for working, and time for me.  We're always taught to strive for "balance," especially if we're working mothers.  Yes, the word "balance" even sounds noble---delivering thoughts of harmony, peace, and tranquility. 

Thankfully, I read a book (Find Your Strongest Life by Marcus Buckingham) that finally overturned this ideal I had been striving for (and failing at) for way too long.  Not only does he state that finding "balance" in our everyday lives is a myth but that it's clearly unhealthy--setting us up for a standard that's impossible to reach.  Every day brings new adventures, and these new adventures require us to shift to whatever may be important at that time.  Isn't this true?  I can happily neglect my house for ten days, and then ooops, a dinner party, and I need to go into cleaning overdrive.  This week, my husband and I are not connecting.  Okay, time to plan a date and some "couple time."  Tomorrow, Little Lewie, has a project due for school.  Now it's time to work on the project and maybe plan a drive to the nearest ice-cream shop for a reward...

Yes, I'd love to believe the notion that if I spend seven hours at work, I can spend seven hours with my son, and then another seven hours with my husband, and then...Oh wait...that doesn't leave any time for sleep!  Balance is a myth.  Instead, my goal is to go where the flow takes me.  Planning for the unplanned is an uphill battle I'm never going to win.

2.  Happiness is a state of mind. 
I listened to Follow Your Joy by Robert Holden and learned something that I always knew to be true--happiness is not somewhere externally waiting to be found.  Happiness comes from the inside, and it starts as soon as we let it.  For the past few years, I have a routine of starting my day wondering if it will be "happy" or not; then I wait for something monumental to say, "Yes, today is great.  I'm happy."  Holden says that circumstance only factors into happiness by 10%.  If we wait for something great to happen, then we're missing out on our joy that comes from within right now. 

Many of us also think happiness is not something that happens now but in the future.  For example, "I'll be happy as soon as I pay off my mortgage," or "as soon as I find a new job."  So we wait weeks, months, or even years before we say that we have the "right ingredients" for happiness, and then, what do we do?  We create a new goal.  "I'll be happy when I retire." 

This year, I'm starting out every day happy.  I'm going to keep a gratitude list close to my bed and remind myself that life is to be enjoyed now--even with the everyday mundane tasks of taking a shower, making breakfast, driving to work...  If I wait for something monumental to happen, then I'm giving up my power to find joy.  I'm taking that power back.

3.  Life is to be enjoyed now.
I'm very future oriented.  I like to daydream, but sometimes my daydreams about the future (and my worry about the future) keep me from enjoying the present moment.  Finances and saving are important, but if there is an opportunity to go on a trip (aka we're all in good health, and we can get the time off from work), then why wait until there is a "better time."  All too often, there isn't a "better time."  The best time is now!

4.  Peace is better than perfection.
I'm a workaholic.  I find myself wanting to be the "best" at everything--mothering, work, being a wife, being a friend.  This perfection turns to guilt and frustration when I can't reach my impossible standards, and then stress rears its ugly head.  This Christmas I broke out in hives, and I've been battling them for the past week.  I still can't seem to find a known "allergen," but I do know stress produces histamine (which causes one to itch), and I wouldn't be surprised if that was one of the main culprits.  The one thing these hives have taught me is that I choose health and wellbeing over stress, and so I choose health and wellbeing over perfection.  Perfectionism doesn't serve anyone well.  I need to let go and find my joy.

I hope everyone has a happy and healthy New Year!  What are your resolutions or new doctrines?

Happy 2015!

Yesterday we took a quick one-day trip to New York City.  My son (who continues to adore trains) had his very first opportunity to take the train into the city and then take the subway to Times Square.  The City, just as we expected, was mobbed for the holiday, so it took a little extra time to get anywhere.  Still, we didn't hear a single complaint from Little Lewie about the long lines or the waiting...he was just too mystified by the tall buildings, the lights, and all the people.

I must admit that it was exhilarating to see the City start setting up for New Year's Eve.  The street barriers were already out and in position, and there were tons of trucks everywhere delivering alcohol, food, and ice.  I could already feel the energy.  One day...just one day...I'll be there to see the ball drop!

Starting our trip at Grand Central Station.

Lewie's first trip to the Big Apple and Grand Central.

Times Square (You can already see the police barriers lining the streets in preparation for New Year's Eve.)

So much fun!!

Rockefeller Center...

(So happy to have a picture of the three of us...)



The Lego Store's "replica" of Rockefeller Center.

On this New Year's Eve Day, as I reflect back on 2014, I must say that it's been a year of mixed blessings and emotions.  In the very same month, we both welcomed a new little baby cousin to the family and then lost a cherished uncle.  Our father-in-law became more ill but still kept up the strength to stay home and be with his family during the holidays. 

On the home front, my little boy started kindergarten and has matured exponentially in comparison to years before...  I love his cherished age of six as Christmas, Santa, and the holidays in general mean more to this little guy; still my heart misses years past when this little toddler wobbled his way to the Christmas tree and was satisfied playing with Christmas ornaments all day long.  My husband's and my marriage has grown stronger, but as a couple that both works full-time, we're still learning how to balance the ever delicate schedule of work, household chores, family, friends, and free-time.

At work, I received an unexpected promotion, which both provided more income while also requiring more responsibility.... 

Yes, 2014 has been a year of "trade-offs" so to speak.  For each new blessing has also come a new hardship or a new lesson to be learned.  Still, it's been a good year as our own little family has been healthy and has had many, many moments of laughter and smiles.

This 2015, I'm keeping my New Year's Resolutions simple.  Yes, I still have a list of goals for myself like eating healthier, spending more quality time with friends and family, and being the best mom and wife I can be...  Still, my main resolution, like last year, is to LIVE, LAUGH, and LOVE.  Each year seems to go by faster and faster, and so when I start feeling like life is at maximum speed, I need to take a day off (or two) and remember my priorities, first and foremost, are to making lasting memories with my loved ones while I am blessed to have them with me.

Happy 2015 to you and your beautiful families.  May it be a year of Happiness, Love, and Laughter!