I Lead a Double Life

Oh, I know the title of my post sounds intriguing (maybe even a tad scandalous)...like I have some sort of clandestine relationship on the side. But quite honestly, nothing could be further from the truth. 

You see, I lead a double life because I split my time every day of the week.  (Working moms know this feeling all too well.)  Everyday, I must divide my time between being a mom and wife and being a full-time administrator at a small Catholic College.  While I'd like to say that I at least have my weekends to myself and my lovely family, nothing could be further from the truth.  On weekends, I must go to New Student Orientations, Accepted Student Receptions, Open-Houses, or any other college event, which requires my presence;  I must answer emails that never stop (day or evening), and I must offer feedback on essays, cover letters, resumes, and all sorts of other requests that come my way...

In 2008, after the birth of my son, I resigned from this first life.  I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and dedicate my precious time to my family.  I wanted, in essence, to have one life.

This one life, however, would be short-lived after my husband started battling an illness, which would test our emotional and financial well-being.  In 2009, I started working several part-time jobs, and in 2013 (just last year), I had to move back to the working world on a full-time basis.

I know many working moms that love having a double life; they enjoy their financial freedom, and they love feeling productive both in and outside of the home.  For me, however, finding the balance between my worlds of family and work remains to be a struggle, and I often find myself feeling, quite honestly, split down the middle.

On the one hand, my current position, Director of Career Services, gives me great satisfaction.  I enjoy helping students learn about themselves, gain confidence, and find employment.  I enjoy organizing and running events, such as career fairs because their success provides me with a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment.  In essence, I can be proud of myself.

Last week I executed our first career fair at the college in many years.  It was fun to pose with one of our
Connecticut State Troopers.

 On the other hand, splitting my time also gives me feelings of remorse, regret, worry, guilt, and stress.  I look at my son, who is now five years-old, and wonder where the time went!  I feel guilty when I come home exhausted day after day with little time for family dinner, playtime, or bedtime stories.  I feel sad when I can't offer my full undivided attention in the mornings because I'm too busy checking calendars, scheduling appointments, and answering last-minute emails.  

Plenty of working parents tell me that Lewie will grow up just fine...that he will learn how to have a strong work ethic from watching me and his Daddy...and that daycare/preschool provides him with the socialization he needs to be around other children his own age. 

This maybe so..., BUT I'm not sure if I'll be just fine.  At this moment, I already have regrets.  My spirit is saddened to know that time is fleeting, and one day these precious moments with my little boy won't be there.  Will I be okay with the missed opportunities of helping him with his homework or bringing him to the park?  Will I be okay with the missed opportunities to read him bedtime stories or play chase with him early in the morning?  My heart right now says no.