Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Signs It's That Time of the Month...

I still remember the days of my childhood. Like most, I was too concerned with growing up and spent much time wondering what it would be like to be a woman. Yes, for some idiotic, strange, dumb, silly (you can fill in the blank) reason, I thought it would be cool to get my period. I obsessed with it...that is...until I got it. Now, I'm looking forward to menopause (but from what I understand...that's not much fun either). So, what can I do? I can sit here and curse the day that my blasted "friend" ever came, or I can make fun of my irregular, irritable, heavy, obnoxious (you can fill in the blank again if you wish) time of the month. The only time I enjoyed it was during my pregnancy. That's right because I didn't have it for those 40 glorious weeks. (Of course, I had other things like nausea, heartburn, and cankles, but that's another story all together.)

Here they are...in no particular order...The Ten Signs that It's That Time of the Month:

10. You look in the mirror only to notice that you've broken out like a 13 year old school girl again. You wouldn't mind. Acne is a sign of adolescence--of youth--except that every time you examine a zit, you notice a new wrinkle too.


9. You immediately start giving the finger to every bad driver on the road. You don't have the patience to deal with other drivers’ shortcomings. It's not road rage...it's called MHIS (Mobile Hormonal Imbalance Syndrome).


8. You look underneath the bathroom cabinet only to recognize that you're out of all maxi pads and tampons--Murphy’s Law.


7. You avoid the scale at all costs; you know that bloated feeling probably constitutes for an additional 10 pounds of water weight gain. Really. Who wants to weigh themselves when they feel like they resemble the likes of the Pillsbury Doughboy?


6. Your stomach feels tied up in knots--seriously, like two people are pulling each end in opposite directions as tightly as they can possibly manage. Yes, taking Midol is supposed to be the cure. I say having a sex change is...


5. Every compliment turns into an argument.
Husband: "You look so beautiful in that dress."
You: "Bite me!"


4. Your family members go into hiding for the week. They only come out for breakfast and dinner, and that's only if they're really starving.


3. You cry while watching comedies like Weekend at Bernie's and There’s Something about Mary. Even silly movies toy with your feelings and turn you into an emotional basket case. Your inner dialog sounds something like this: "That poor Bernie...if only he was still alive...WHAAAH...sniff sniff...to be part of those...sniff...beach parties. Why can't...sniff sniff...I live...sniff...in a beach house like that? Oh, that's so $@#*!@% (fill in the blank) unfair! That bastard!”


2. You have that "not so fresh" feeling.


1. Your husband becomes an emotional punching bag. You curse the day that men ever walked the planet, and you remind your husband how inferior he is to your sex.

You:  "You would never be able to handle my cramps, and you would never ever be able to handle giving birth. I was in that hospital for twelve hours with the most intense contractions of my life pushing out a bowling ball through an opening the size of a pinhole."

Husband: Silence. (He's not a fool. He knows he can't win this argument.)


And finally, if you're reading this while having your time of the month, then I guess the female cycle is so powerful that it can even regulate itself to match mine through cyberspace. (There's a reason why all women under the same roof end up getting it at the same time--to make men's lives hell on earth. Hey, we need some form of retribution.)